


Learn To Be Lonely

by Byakko Ta (BadDragon)



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Gen, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-06-29
Updated: 2006-06-29
Packaged: 2017-11-10 23:40:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/472016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadDragon/pseuds/Byakko%20Ta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>...I only do this because it's the only way you guys notice me... Any attention you throw at me is good enough for me... even your anger. As long as you see me...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Learn To Be Lonely

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2006, right after watching 'Phantom Of The Opera.' The title is after the same song, sung by Minnie Driver. No claims on the lyrics here...
> 
> The word "sairo" is Japanese for "silo," which is what the Indians of North America used to store food and fodder.. it's a hole in the ground, basically. Since they didn't have fridge's to go into and store perishable foods, they needed cool places to put the food. The ground, well, holes in the ground are cool.. So I just looked up the words, and changed it to Japanese... I was gonna just call it an ice hole, but, *shrugs*...

**Child of the wilderness.**

**Born into emptiness.**

Biting his lip, he quickly hit his shoulder against the solid trunk of tree once more, holding back the cry that wanted to break out. This time it worked. With a sickly _pop_ , he set his dislocated shoulder. He stood deathly still, in the middle of the clearing, for quite a few minutes, tears falling from his cheeks, before the pulsating pain slowly ebbed to a steady throb in tune with his fast-beating heart. He had a few bruises and a split lip as well to go with his pain.

He was dressed in shocking colors of orange, his jacket giving him a larger build than he actually had. Strangely enough, even with the bright color on, he seemed to blend well into the scenery, as if he had had years of practice making himself disappear. His sunny blonde hair was tied away from his face with some sort of goggles and his blue eyes were watering in pain. He had tanned skin and, oddly enough, whiskered cheeks. He looked to be eight years old.

Turning his back to the tree he eased down and sat at its base, one hand holding the still-throbbing shoulder, one knee bent and close to his chest, the other leg sprawled out on the ground. Tears running dry, sniffling once, but otherwise holding in the pain, he looked around the clearing of the forest with pained eyes, as if questioning it on why the place had not helped him more. Bowing his head a second later, he hid his eyes from the sun shining down.

"Naruto, why did you do that?" He muttered to himself, "You knew they'd--" he stopped there, gritting his teeth to hold back a sob he knew was just bubbling up. Sniffling again, he hurriedly swiped his eyes, to erase any lingering wetness.

_They're just fools! Believe it! Believe nothing else. They just don't see you._ He told himself silently. He continued with those lies until he grew tired of them.

Sighing, Naruto finally let go of his shoulder, careful not to jar it. Looking down at the ground, he didn't notice as clouds made their way across the sky, darkening and slowing hiding the sun. He did notice when a raindrop fell on his head, however. Forlornly pushing himself to his feet. He dragged his feet from the clearing he had raced to, after a few villagers outside the walls of the town had decided that he needed to learn a lesson; about what, he wasn't sure of.

They had just called him demon and a monster over and over again, blaming him for things he did not remember ever doing, as they beat and attacked him. He had not been able to get away, and there was no one to stop them. The Nin in the village had not been around. They would have usually stepped in and stopped the villagers after a kick or two. But outside of their unwillingly watching gazes, he was on his own.

He continued to make his way back to his prison, behind tall walls, back to the burning, hateful glances and sneers. Back to his two room apartment that roomed only him. He had never had parents.

_You have to learn to out-run, or out-smart them, Naruto. You_ have _to learn to be able to stand on your_ _own two feet. The Anbu won't be there always._

Just like today.

**Learn to be lonely.**

**Learn to find your way in darkness.**

As he was walking in the town toward his home, he silently watched as mothers dragged their young children through the rain as the children attempted to jump into puddles. A few fathers carried a kid on their shoulders, and talked as they hurried home, out of the rain. Whenever he was too close, the parent would turn to glare at him, or hurry their child along, muttering to himself.

Businesses were closing for the day, and some store clerks would, as they turned their open signs to closed, glare at him or make shooing motions with their hands.

He watched as mother greeted their returning family members at doors, ushering them inside to dinner. No one would be waiting for him...

**Who will be there for you?**

**Comfort and care for you?**

It was dark and pouring rain by the time he got to his apartment. When he unlocked the door he went inside to the darkened apartment. It was, surprisingly, neat and just slightly cluttered. He, after all, had to be resourceful and keep his own home tidy, since no one else would, and that was good enough reason in its self.

He stepped out of his shoes and slipped on a pair of tattered-looking slippers. He went to a table nearest the door and lit a candle. He didn't have electricity in the house, but was planning to one day have some at least to have a few appliances. He made due with candles and non-perishable foods right now. Although, a little ramen shop was the only shop willing to do business with him usually.

He hurried to make a fire in the main room, deciding to sleep there for the night. The rain was pounding on the clapboard roof. He already had pots in the areas that leaked. The pre-arranged firewood in the fireplace was lit and was slowly heating up the room as he then lit the gas stove, the only appliance he actually owned. He went to the table where he had set his pack earlier.

It had a few vegetables, ramen, and some jerky-like meat. It was all he had been able to buy today. It would have to last a few days. He would have to go to his sairo(1) and put the vegetables inside. At least he had thought to put a shed over it...

**Learn to be lonely.**

**Learn to be your one companion.**

Sitting cross-legged on a mat close to the fireplace, Naruto slowly ate the meagre dinner he had made. It was because of him being in the marketplace that those villagers had chased after him... He had bumped into one of their wives, and she had swore up and down he had pick-pocketed her groceries...

Sighing as he finished the last of the stew-broth, Naruto pushed himself up off the floor and made his way to the sink area and washed his bowl out, deciding to do dishes tomorrow. He went back to the mat and set it against a far wall then went to a door and pulled out his futon from the closet. Unrolling the bedding and blankets, he then dressed down to his boxers.

Tiredly, he crawled into the blankets, and turned his back to the fireplace and his face to the one window in his apartment. The streetlights were already on, casting an odd glow into the house, and he watched the rain falling down the glass of the window. He fell asleep without a kiss goodnight like the children he knew were getting at this very moment. He fell into a sort of numb state with only the rain and streetlight as companions. The fire cast dancing shadows on the wall facing him along with the streetlights and he watched this before falling into a troubled sleep; filled with debris, screaming, pain, and fear.

**Never dreamed,**

**Out in the world,**

**There are arms to hold you.**

Naruto was at the child playground on a solitary swing in the shade of a tree, looking at all the other students. It was the last day of the school year. They would have three months break before it began again. He already knew his teacher for next year. Iruka-sensei. He had overheard all the other three-year student teachers vocalizing their pity (and relief) of not getting him as a student.

Iruka-sensei was actually telling them he was happy to take Naruto, but he knew that the teacher was just as upset about it as the others had been when realizing they might've been the one stuck with him...

He watched as many parents congratulated their children for passing another year. Others were hugging their newly graduated genin-nin. Pretending to ignore everything, he began to try to go higher and higher as he repeatedly swung forward and backward, closing his eyes. He tried to ignore how much his ears were craving a nice word to be said to _him_.

After a while, the groups dispersed. He was still alone on the swing, but deep down, he was dreaming of a father pushing him back and forth while a mother stood by, laughing and chatting pleasantly with them both...

**You've always known,**

**Your heart was on its own.**

He was setting the trick up quietly. This would not be his _first_ trick on one of the Konohagakure villagers, but he hadn't pulled one on them in a while. The beatings had eased to a halt, mostly because he had been developing his speed, strength, and Nin skills. He had been admitted into the school on the Hokage's orders a few years ago. He wouldn't acknowledge it to the old man, but he was thankful for him ordering his admittance... they had been refusing him permission for months before the Hokage stepped in.

It would be his second year as a third-year, however. He wanted to graduate, but the teachers seemed hell-bent to hold him back, no matter what Iruka-sensei said about it... Sighing as the last finishing touches were completed he raced off to find something else to mess up. On his way to a division of houses to newly-paint, he passed the pink-haired girl Sakura, who was talking to a friend of hers. His heart fluttered in his chest.

But he had already been dismissed, embarrassed, and turned down many times before.

Even though he knew she would say no, a tiny spark of hope always made him go back. Already setting himself up for the big let down to come, he hoped she wouldn't get physical again like last time. He walked over to her, grinning widely, a hopeful smile plastered to his face.

"Sakura-chan!" He shouted happily, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. She turned to face him, a frown already growing on her face when hearing him. It was in full-bloom when she was finally looking at him. She sighed before seeming to decide to answer.

" _What_ do you _want_ , Naruto? I'm busy, if you can't tell!" She said in an exasperated voice. There were footsteps behind Naruto as he opened his mouth to reply.

"I just wanted to know--" He began, but Sakura's eyes turned to hearts when glancing in back of him.

" _SA_ SUKE-kun!" She cried happily. She skipped over to the obviously brooding boy, conversations and conversation- _interrupters_ already erased from her memory. The black-haired boy had a blank face and was looking at the clingy pink-haired girl hanging on his left arm distastefully. She didn't seem to notice. Naruto decided he didn't like that Sasuke had ruined his chances with Sakura (again), never mind the likelihood of her ever agreeing to go out with him.

Inside, he knew this confrontation would just end up with him hurt and embarrassed yet again, but his pride would not let him back down...

"Hey TEME!" he hollered angrily...

**So laugh in your loneliness.**

**Child of the wilderness.**

**Learn to be lonely.**

Furiously ignoring the stares of the other students in the classroom, Naruto sat on the floor, his legs sprawled out in front of him, his arms tied to his sides, ignoring Iruka-sensei standing in front of him. Inside he was horribly embarrassed at being treated this way in front of his "peers." Iruka-sensei had his arms crossed in front of his chest, impatiently looking down at him. Naruto just let out a " _hrrn_ " and turned away front him again.

"Tomorrow all your classmates will pass the final and graduate from the Nin Academy, but the last two times this day came around, you flunked every course you'd taken in the secret arts." Iruka-sensei said crossly. "So you chose now for your stupid trick? **You moron**!"

Disrespectfully, Naruto said, "Sir, yes, sir!" looking away from him and at the wall, trying to block the snickers of the students. Iruka-sensei growled. Turning from the tied up boy, he spoke to the class.

"Today in class we'll be reviewing the art of transformation."

There were moans and groans, and even a few shouted, "WHAT!" 's.

"All you have to do is... conjure a form that looks like me!" Iruka-sensei finished. The students got unhappily to their feet and Naruto was untied and went to the back of the line. As _pop_ 's and smoke were heard and seen as each student took their turn, Naruto was jostled and angrily glared at.

"This is all your fault!" one boy said, shoving Naruto's shoulder. His hands in his jacket, Naruto ignored the pestering until finally it was his turn. Walking up he raised his hand, pulled down his goggles slightly, and nonchalantly said, "...Here goes nothing..." He ignored the many sneering stares watching him, waiting for him to screw up, ready to taunt him for any mistake.

"Henge!" He shouted, and with a _pop_ he changed. But not into Iruka-sensei...

With a giggle, his changed form came out of the smoke, his hair in long pig tails and with a naked female body. With a giggle and a wink, the female-version blew a kiss to the staring teacher.

Iruka-sensei's eyes were popping out of his head and he suddenly had a massive nosebleed.

"Ha ha ha ha! I called this one the Nin Center-fold!" Naruto said, changing back into himself quickly.

" **HOW BIG A FOOL ARE YOU?** You waste all of your time and talent inventing these stupid tricks!" Iruka-sensei shouted above the roaring laughter of the class. Rubbing his head sheepishly, as if he was sorry, Naruto only grinned.

Inside though, a voice was whispering.

_I only do this because it's the only way you guys notice me... Any attention you throw at me is good enough for me... even your anger. As long as you_ see _me._

**Learn how to love,**

**Life that is lived,**

**Alone.**

" _Great job, son. Your old man is proud..._ "

" _...The only one who failed!_ "

" _...Can you imagine if they let someone like that become a Shinobi...!_ "

" _...Think about... what he_ **is** "

He pulled his goggles down near his eyes, ignoring the stinging feeling behind them. Finally unable to ignore the burning words, he hurried away from the front of the Nin Academy.

_Why am I so_ different _! Why? What is so_ wrong _with me?_ he silently shouted to himself, rushing above the ground in the trees. In the park closest to his home. It would be much quicker in the trees than on the ground. It would be less painful as well.

The villagers would glare at him, whisper loudly in front and behind his back. Some would even throw things at him. Though, normally, he didn't let it bother him so much, and he usually kept on a giant grin to hide the fact that the words they said _hurt_ , he wouldn't be able to handle the jeers today.

He slowed down after putting a fair amount of distance from the school where those who were supposed to be his age were still being congratulated and hugged over their parents and the teaching staff.

_Even if you had graduated, Naruto, who would have congratulated you? You have no friends! Your "classmates" would have probably been irritated that you had passed like another person. The villagers would have just somehow used it against you, to get you into trouble. They'd claim you had used your knowledge to break into their houses or something..._

_You've always known that you aren't welcome. Why try anymore? it's a waste of time and effort. They will never let you pass._

_It's just that, I really wanted to... graduate this time..._

He was on one of the hanging cliffs overlooking Konohagakure before he realized it. He was staring down at the bustling town when Mizuki-sensei appeared next to him...

**Learn to be lonely.**

**Life can be lived,**

**Life can be loved,**

**Alone.**

Sneaking to the house with the secret manuscript in it that night, Naruto was determined to get it.

_"If you can get that manuscript, and learn one technique, and show that technique to one of the teachers, you will be able to graduate..."_

_I_ will _get that scroll... I'll graduate, and then_ everyone _will have to see me! To recognize that I am_ someone, _not just a person to taunt and laugh at._

_When they finally accept me.._. Naruto paused in step and in thinking. _When they finally accept me, I won't be lonely anymore..._

But as he finally got to the window to the house he had been searching for, a tiny voice inside his heart said differently.

_They'll never fully accept you, Naruto... Its better to be alone. They will hurt you more... You'll always be lonely, because of me..._

Naruto pushed that voice away, not wanting to think that... He slowly eased the window open enough to slip inside...

...THE END...


End file.
